Starfucked Read online

  “Wait until I tell Andreas.”

  “Pssh. Andreas knows. He tried stopping me, but I informed him it was for your own good because you wouldn’t do it yourself. You’d make up every excuse not to do anything.”

  “No, I wouldn’t. I was drunk last night. Could barely think straight.”

  “And this morning, had you intended to email Steven?” Laze stared at me, waiting for my answer.

  “I…” I leaned back on the sofa. “You don’t understand.”

  “What is there to understand? You want Steven. Seems like he wants you.”

  “And you’re the same person who tried to get me to hook up with Andreas’ friend.”

  “Because I want you to do something other than work, Noah. I care about you.”

  “Thanks, but I can find my own men.” I opened the message again to stare at the words.

  You don’t know how happy I am to hear from you.

  On the inside, I was doing flip-flops, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up knowing he could reject me again.

  “Are you gonna message him?”

  Laze’s yelling woke me out of my temporary haze. “Yeah, but I don’t wanna seem desperate, so I’m going to wait.”

  “Noah, come on. I set it up, to get things moving. He’s waiting to hear from you.”

  “And if he’s that interested, he can wait a little longer,” I said with a laugh. “Now. How about that breakfast you offered me earlier? Is it on the stove or should I eat some leftovers?”

  “You’re an idiot, you know that?” Laze got up from his chair and left the room, not saying anything more.

  I harrumphed and glanced at the note from Steven again. The best thing to do was to wait it out. However, a part of me wanted to return his message just so he could call.

  Thanks to Laze, I already looked like the chaser with that initial message. Might as well go on and email him…

  After I get something in my stomach.

  Chapter Six

  Steven

  I’d read the fantasy book cover to cover before I realized Noah hadn’t contacted me back.

  Did he get cold feet?

  Surely, he hadn’t after sending me that kind of message. From what he’d said, he sounded generally excited about us talking, with a possibility of hooking up later on. I hoped so, because I’d waited forever for this chance to connect with him.

  Impatient, I checked my email and nothing new came up. I sighed inwardly, wondering should I reach out to show him how interested I was.

  “Steven? Is everything all right? You’ve been in your room all day.”

  “Everything’s fine Eva. Why don’t you come in?” Since she was the only person here, I decided to ask for her opinion on what I should do.

  Eva peeked her head in the door and grinned at me. “Are you sure you’re okay? It’s a lovely day outside.”

  “I know. I was reading. Have a seat. I wanna ask you something.”

  Eva walked over and sat on the edge of my bed. “Aright. What is it?”

  I exhaled and closed my eyes a moment, feeling the emotions well up inside again. “The guy I’ve been looking for reached out to me.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful! What did he say?”

  “He wondered did I remember the night we met. He also asked if we could talk again.”

  “And you emailed him back?”

  “Yes. I wanted to make sure it was okay to contact him before I called, but he didn’t reply.”

  “Well, go on and reach out. What’s the harm in that?”

  “Nothing, I…” I dropped my gaze and played with the stray threads on my blanket. “I’m nervous about overstepping my bounds and scared of what will happen next.”

  “Why is that? You’ve wanted to reconnect with this man for years. And now you’re getting cold feet?”

  “I know it’s ridiculous.” I tossed the covers off and sat up straight. “I should be rushing to call him.”

  “Yes, you should. What’s the guy’s name?”

  “Noah James.”

  “Well, I think you shouldn’t delay on giving Noah a call. If you want him, then it’s totally fine for you to push the envelope a little.”

  I nodded and pushed my hand through my hair. “You’re right. I just hope he’s okay with me doing it. It makes me look desperate, but I kind of am. I want to apologize for how I acted.”

  “Go on then. If anything, I think he’ll appreciate that.”

  Agreeing with Eva, I bowed my head once. I reached out and patted her arm. “Thanks, Eva. I needed that advice.”

  “Anytime, Steven. Do you want to eat now?”

  “Fruit will be fine and a bottle of water. I don’t have much of an appetite.”

  “Are you ill?”

  “No, just don’t wanna eat a lot. That’s all.”

  Eva got up from the bed. “Okay. I’ll grab that for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome, and good luck on talking with Noah.”

  I waved at Eva as she left the room. I put my tablet down and reached for my phone on the nightstand. Still nothing, but it didn’t matter since I was about to call Noah.

  This could be something wonderful or a disaster waiting to happen.

  With shaky hands, I punched in the numbers to call Noah. After two rings, I heard a voice slightly deeper than what I remembered. Of course, it would be because it had been so long since I’d talked with him.

  “Hello, Noah?”

  “Yes?”

  I inhaled silently and closed my eyes a moment. “It’s me, Steven Sharpe. I hope it’s okay that I called. You hadn’t messaged so…”

  “That’s fine, I… I did give you my number.”

  When Noah said that, he sounded hesitant. “You sure?”

  “Yeah. It’s good to hear from you again. The new songs sound great.”

  Hearing Noah commend me on my music made me relax a little. “Thanks. I’ve been writing a lot of new material for years. Just now starting to record.”

  “That’s amazing. Doing an album soon?”

  “Not yet. Gonna try building up a fanbase through the net. It’s easier and less expensive. Got a friend that allows me to use his studio too.”

  “Cool. I don’t think you’ll have an issue with doing any of that. There’s still plenty of StarHaze fans around.”

  I laughed, nodding. “True, but I want those fans to be Steven Sharpe fans first. I had a good run, but I wanna be known for my own material now.”

  “That’s understandable, but I don’t think you can ever live that down.”

  “Not trying to lose it, I just…” I stopped talking to think about what I wanted to say. I fidgeted and nibbled on my bottom lip. “I wanna put that behind me and move on.”

  “I get that. Anyway, um, I can’t help but ask this. What happened that night…”

  “Was wonderful.” I finished the sentence for him. “Despite being rocked off my ass, I remember it well.”

  “You do?” Noah sounded shocked by that.

  I brushed my sweaty palms on the sheet. “Yes. It’s part of the reason I went back to writing. I hoped one of my biggest fans would reach out when they heard my voice.”

  “Oh yeah? Is that a pickup line?”

  “No line. It’s the truth.” I paused again to think of the right words. “Regardless of what was going on in that band, I shouldn’t have blown you off like you didn’t matter. I’m sorry about that.”

  “That might be true, but you barely knew me.”

  “I wanted to know you,” I said in a serious tone. “You probably think I’m bullshitting you, but I’m not. We connected that night, Noah... on so many levels and I fucked up by allowing my silly pride to get in the way.”

  “Maybe. I knew StarHaze was about to break. I was hurt, but I wanted to see you guys succeed. Plus, I had the memories, and at that time, that was good enough for me.”

  I harrumphed. “That’s real sweet of you, but I was in the wrong. And for t
he record, we could’ve made something out of ourselves if we hadn’t been so busy banging girls and taking drugs.”

  Silence.

  “All of us were. I only did it to save face.”

  “So, you weren’t enjoying yourself?”

  “Not doing that.” I re-crossed my legs and picked at the covers. “I enjoyed making music and playing live, but that’s about it. I only did the other stuff to numb the pain.”

  “Pain from what?”

  I sighed and stared straight ahead at the photos of the band on my wall. “Loneliness and regret.”

  Chapter Seven

  Noah

  Listening to Steven talk about his woes hit me like a punch to my gut. Saying he was lonely in such a somber tone convinced me he was genuine. In truth, I shouldn’t believe it because of the way things went down, but I couldn’t help giving him the benefit of the doubt.

  As I leaned on the kitchen counter, I stared ahead, dumbfounded by this conversation. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be talking with him like this.

  “Noah?”

  “Yeah, sorry. I was daydreaming. I can’t believe you still remember me.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “We met ten years ago.”

  “True, but you were the first man I gave a damn about. After that, there were a few stragglers, but nothing special. Not like you.”

  I snickered and shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “Steven, we talked then fucked in a seedy bathroom.”

  “Yeah, and I enjoyed it a lot. It may not seem like much... but to me, especially when everything during that time was meaningless, it was huge.”

  “Okay, I’ll give you that.” I said, conceding, because my “letter” didn’t sound as cynical as I was talking now.

  “Yeah. It was special, Noah. We chatted and had a special moment. I want to see where it leads. I’m hoping you do too.”

  Hearing Steven talk about more set off warning bells in my head. Of course, I wanted more, but what would be next? What if we figured out that we weren’t compatible? Maybe he truly was a jerk, like he was that night. Or what if he doesn’t like me?

  Although these various questions worried me, I was still interested in finding out what would happen.

  Despite Steven turning me away, it never stopped me from caring about him.

  The only way we’d find out if something was there was to pursue it and that would be exactly what I’d do.

  Our conversation lasted about two hours before I cut it short. We talked about our families, with him reminding me of his stilted relationship with his father and me telling him about my supportive parents and two phobic brothers. After chatting about that, we moved on to music as well as my job. I promised him we’d talk sometime later in the week after work. Though I hated what Laze did, I wouldn’t have contacted Steven so quickly. Part of me was scared of the reaction, but after this talk, I supposed we could try to make more out of the initial meeting.

  Knowing Laze would want to know what happened, I pressed the two button to speed dial him. From the quickness in which he answered, he was expecting my call.

  “Hey, Noah.”

  “Hey. So… I talked to Steven.”

  “And?”

  “He sounds great. We caught up with things, talked about the good old days of StarHaze.”

  “Did you make a date?”

  “No.” I shook my head and leaned back further onto the couch. “Too early for that don’tcha think?”

  “Why? Noah, you both want each other.”

  “Yeah, we do, but you don’t think we should wait?”

  “What the heck are you scared of? You guys hit it off, right?”

  “Yeah, we did, but I don’t want to follow him like a long-lost puppy. He did leave me in that bathroom looking stupid.”

  “Okay, okay, you might have a point there. Let him squirm a little but, if he takes too long, go for it.”

  “Eh, I’m not gonna run after him, Laze. I mean, you kind of painted me as desperate in that letter, but I can’t act that way, or he’ll think I’m nuts.”

  “No, he won’t. He’ll think you really wanna re-connect, which you do,” Laze said. “Anyway, I’m glad you two talked. By the way, Ian texted me about you. He really wants to go out soon.”

  “Alright.” I laughed and sat up straight. “I’ll call him tomorrow night. I gotta get some sleep. Work tomorrow.”

  “Okay. Make sure you do, ‘cause he’s definitely got the hots for you.”

  “Yeah. Suddenly my social calendar is looking better.”

  “Thanks to me.” Laze said with a smile to his voice.

  “Don’t take too much credit. If both end up being disasters, then I’m blaming you,” I said after yawning. I patted my mouth and stretched one arm over my head.

  “Fine. At least I’m trying to get you out there, so you won’t be alone.”

  * * * *

  Steven

  A couple of days had passed since my conversation with Noah. Although I wanted to call him again, I held back because I didn’t want to be a stalker.

  So, instead of pining after him, I used the time to write a new song called, ‘Remember Me.’ This way I channeled my emotions and kept me from bothering Noah. The minute I finished it, I knew it would be something I had to record and put on the site. I asked Jules if I could drop by and he agreed.

  “Dude, the song sounds amazing. You’re a natural songwriter.” Jules said to me while we listened to the track.

  “Thanks,” I said, bobbing my head to the beat. “That synth you got is killer. I’m gonna buy one of those myself. Sounds like I got an actual band behind me.”

  “Right? I love that thing. It’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made. I use that when I don’t feel like seeing them cats in my band,” Jules laughed. “When I wanna just play around and write something without all the extra testosterone in here.”

  “I hear you. No one to argue with over the way something sounds.”

  “Exactly. Do you miss working with a band?”

  I shrugged, thinking about his words. “No. I love being in control of everything and having only the producer/engineer’s input. All the pressures on me. If the song sucks, it’s my fault.”

  Jules chuckled. “None of your songs suck, my man. I’m telling you, every one of your tunes is gold.”

  “I’d prefer ‘em to be platinum, but I’ll take what I can get.”

  “Oh, they will be. By the way, I’m about ready to put together the tour. You still in?”

  “Oh yeah. If I get a good response, maybe I’ll do more than just Seattle. The doctor gave me the go-ahead, so let’s make it happen.”

  “Cool. We could play back up for you if you want.”

  “That would be awesome. I got a couple of songs that need instruments. The synth is okay for the singles on the website, but when I play em live, gonna need the real things for sure.”

  “Yeah. You gotta admit those things are fabulous, though. They can do a lot more now than they could when we started.” Jules hit the play button again.

  “Oh yeah. Technology changes everything.” I nodded. “Like it that much, huh?”

  “I do. I love the bassline especially. You know I’m a sucker for a killer bass.”

  “That’s the only thing other than guitar that the synth didn’t do,” I said with a smile. I twiddled my thumbs, wondering should I talk with Jules about Noah. He’d always been so supportive of me, even as a gay man. Perhaps he could relay some advice on how fast I should go to pursue him. “So, Jules.”

  “Yeah.” Jules was air drumming to the beat of the song.

  “I don’t know if I told you, the guy I was looking for contacted me.”

  “Yeah? How?”

  “He sent me an email through the site. I responded, then we talked on the phone.”

  “Cool. So, you ready to set a wedding date yet?”

  I snickered and leaned back in the chair. “No, but I am ready for
a first official date. When do you think I should ask him?”

  “Um, gee man, I wouldn’t crowd him. Don’t make yourself look desperate. Give things some time to progress. Chat some more on the phone, then invite him out for a walk or something. That’s how I played it with my wife, anyway.”

  “I know, but man I wanna… damn. I really want to ask him out on a date. We’ve only talked on the phone once and I’m ready to go full speed ahead.”

  “I get it, but slow down. I mean, it’s been a decade. You don’t really know each other.”

  “That might be true, but I connected and… I’ve got feelings for him.”

  Jules stared at me like I had three heads. “No, you don’t.”

  “I think I do. Look, Noah was part of the reason I tried to get clean the first time. If I hadn’t been fucked up, I wouldn’t have tossed away the opportunity to get to know him better. Not knowing where to find him, my dad on my ass, and Case stealing our money drove me back to drugs. Then the guys kicked me out, sending me into my final tailspin.”

  “Okay, I get it but…”

  “No buts. I know it sounds farfetched, but this man means something to me. The way he explained my songs, knowing every word...” I exhaled and gulped hard. “Bottom line, no one had ever taken that big of an interest in me the way Noah had. Anyway, I want to give him a call tonight once I get home. Maybe I’ll shoot him a text first.”

  Jules still looked unconvinced. He shrugged. “Yeah, why not do that? If you get a good response, then call him.”

  I nodded and leaned forward with my elbows on my knees. Part of me wanted to pick up the phone now and play this song for him.

  Granted it might’ve been too much, but I didn’t care.

  I wanted this second chance with Noah to progress quickly.

  He made a mark on me that would never ever disappear.

  After I recorded, I headed back to my place. I sent Noah a text before I left the studio, but I had yet to hear a response. I hoped it was because he was busy with something else and missed my message.

  “Eva, I’m home.” I closed the door behind me and tossed the junk mail on my desk.

  “Hi, Steven. Dinner is ready, if you’re hungry,” she called from the kitchen.