Starfucked Read online

  For reasons I undoubtedly despised.

  I loved you forever.

  Lived with you, breathed your air.

  Regardless of your mistreatment of me, I still adored you.

  Now that you’re gone, my hatred has grown out of control.

  Listening to those words, I closed my eyes, imagining Steven singing to an audience of one.

  Childish as it was, Steven always had been it for me. I’d heard so many things about him. He was a diva, an ass, worst yet a racist because he lunged at a black bouncer when they first started. Like a girl with her first crush though, I didn’t believe anything. I’d suspended any bad thoughts about him because he was…

  Steven Sharpe.

  The lead singer and backup guitarist for StarHaze.

  The local band that would always hold a place in my heart.

  And as any fanatic would do, I refuted the claims, because to me he was a god.

  Even gods made mistakes, didn’t they?

  When in fact, they didn’t.

  Didn’t matter. I adored him anyway.

  This, along with many other reasons, was why I loved this song, Cursed Heart. It had no personal meaning, other than a deep explanation of my admiration and affinity for the band’s lead singer.

  Steven would always be my favorite, no matter who else came along.

  Stupid as it sounded, there would always be a place for him somewhere.

  I’d listen to Cursed Heart until my dying day.

  Perhaps I’d have it played for my memorial, because…

  Because through this song, I bonded with him.

  My heart would be cursed forever.

  Chapter One

  Present Day Seattle Washington

  Steven

  “Steven, breakfast is ready.”

  My maid and self-appointed mother, Eva, yelled from the next room. She’d been with me through thick and thin. When StarHaze fired me, she was right there to pick up the pieces... doing more than what I’d paid her for.

  A real saint in every sense of the word.

  “I’m coming Eva.” I threw on my track suit and pulled my scraggly locks into a bun atop my head. I’d just gotten out of the shower. Lately I’d been getting that itch to record music again. It felt hella good too.

  “I’ve fixed your favorite. Scrambled eggs, pancakes, and sausage with bacon and fruit. You need to regain your strength.”

  “Of course, I do.” I waltzed into the living room and smiled at her. I kissed her head and sat in front of the spread she’d prepared for me. “Looks great as always.”

  “Eat up. I have more if you’re still hungry,” she said, pouring orange juice into a glass.

  “Thanks. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  Eva smiled and nodded. “Anything for you, Steven. God willing, I’ll always be around to take care of you.”

  As I picked up the first piece of sausage, I grinned in response. I truly appreciated Eva for sticking by me when no one else would.

  The manager, who I knew from day one was a prick and a cheat.

  The band, who I mistakenly thought would be my buds no matter what.

  Every fluffer girl or whore who’d sexed me before, during, and after performances.

  Get the picture?

  No one stood by me when my world starting crumbling down.

  Still, I was grateful. If I hadn’t been kicked out, I might’ve never gotten clean.

  Drugs would’ve eventually killed me.

  Not everyone could be like Nikki Sixx when he nearly overdosed in 1987.

  Besides that, I wasn’t a member of a multi-million-dollar band.

  StarHaze had made it…

  Somewhat.

  We never reached our full potential though because of that fucker, Nathan Case. As I suspected, he’d taken more than his share of the profits, leaving the band penniless after my departure. When Jeff and the others finally caught on, it was too late.

  Now, all of them are back to doing day jobs, with the band in their rearview mirror. I kept in touch with all of them, especially Jeff whose had the guile to ask me for a loan. Though I was still angry about them kicking me out, I still talked to them because I stopped allowing those bad feelings to consume me. I’d grown up and moved on because hatred makes you older. At age thirty-seven with a bad ticker, I couldn’t afford to harbor resentment. I wanted a family someday. If I dropped dead, that wouldn’t come to fruition.

  Once I’d finished my meal, I called my friend, Jules, about using his home studio again. Believe it or not, I’d met Jules in rehab. We’d struck up a friendship after counseling sessions and been tight ever since. Unlike me, his band waited for him to get sober, and they went on to sell a ton of records when he returned.

  “Steven! What up, man?”

  “Nothing much, J. Can I swing by and use your studio? I wrote another song and I’d like to record it.”

  “Sure thing. I told you, whenever you get the itch. I should give you a key.”

  “Nah, not that serious. I wouldn’t wanna disturb your wife and kids.”

  “Ah, she don’t mind and the kids love you. Hey, the offer to tour with us still stands too. People still talk about Cursed Heart like it was released yesterday.”

  Hearing him mentioning our only mainstream hit, I grimaced and inhaled sharply. Although I loved the song, it took me back to the unforgettable night with my biggest fan.

  I’d wondered what had happened to Noah for years, but because I was in such a rush to preserve my reputation, I didn’t get a phone number.

  “Steven? You okay, bro?”

  I shook my head out of the fog. “Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for the offer man. If I can get some decent material together, I might take you up on that.”

  And why not? The one smart thing I did was copyright the StarHaze tunes I wrote, so I’d always be paid. None of the members could use the songs without my permission. With that move, I’d guaranteed myself royalties when it got played on internet radio and Spotify. It wasn’t a lot, but it paid some of the bills.

  These days, I looked to get back into the business as a solo artist, because I still had it. There were plenty of fans who’d like to hear me do my thing, especially in the Seattle area.

  Knowing if Noah were still around would make things more worthwhile. He was unforgettable in every sense of the word. We’d connected on just one level ten years ago, but perhaps if we got that second chance, we could find out if there was room for more.

  * * * *

  Noah

  I’d been in my office since seven a.m., working my fingers to the bone. I’d already fielded calls from three major companies about products we’d sold them. I wasn’t supposed to, but because I’d dealt with their representatives during the sales process, I took a hands-on approach.

  At least my boss appreciated my hard work. Within six years of working for Inbrotech, I’d been promoted to junior account manager. My direct report was somewhat of an ass, but I’d made enough money to live comfortably and give my parents the options to quit their dead-end jobs.

  “Noah. Genesis systems on line two.” My receptionist’s voice came through the speaker loud and clear.

  So much for having an early lunch.

  Once I’d averted the small crisis, my boss Dane Alders stepped in.

  “Noah. Good job with the Lassitter account. They really like the way you handled their little problem.”

  “Thanks.” I didn’t bother looking up at him. “Joannie Lassitter said she would’ve had her IT department fix it, but for some reason…”

  “She likes you, Noah. Really likes you. She is, however, an heiress to the Lassitter throne. If I were you, I’d give up the gay charade and date her.”

  I sighed aloud. “Last I checked, I’m not attracted to women. If you like her so much, why don’t you go out with her?”

  “Nah. I already have a harem. Besides, Joannie is a little on the older side. I don’t have any use for women in their thirties.
I like ‘em young.”

  I shrugged and thought to myself how long this conversation would go on. Dane was the CEO’s nephew, so regardless of his offensive comments or behavior, he’d never get reprimanded. Besides that, I liked my job. Dane could fire me without batting an eyelash, so I dealt with his jibes and/or insults on a regular basis.

  “Noah, you could get far by giving her a spin. Just one. Maybe you’ll figure out that pussy is better than sweaty balls.”

  “Not happening,” I said through gritted teeth. “With all due respect, Dane. Anything else?”

  “No. Just offering some advice to our new junior partner. You’re a good guy, Noah. I want to see you take the opportunity in front of you.”

  That statement made me look at this bullshitter. I doubted anything he said about liking me was genuine, but it caught me by surprise. “Thanks for that, Dane, but I’ll stay here and work the honest way. Miss Lassitter can find another boy toy, I’m sure.”

  Dane stuffed his hands in his pockets while he rolled his eyes. “Alright. I’ll leave you to it then. Keep up the good work getting us the Biosphere account too. If you grab ‘em, they’ll be some bonus money in it for you.”

  “Yes sir!” I gave a mock salute and nodded.

  “Good boy.” Dane smiled and turned on his heel, leaving the office.

  Watching him leave, I exhaled and shook my head. “Asshole.” I gathered the documents on Biosphere and shoved them in one of the many folders cluttering my desk top. Once I had them together, I yanked open my drawer to order lunch. Right now, I craved ramen noodles from a place up the street. They had delivery too, which meant I could keep working on these accounts.

  Just as I was about to make the call, my phone rang on my hip. I plucked it from the belt loop and glanced at the screen. I smiled when Laze’s name flashed on the LCD.

  “Hey, man. What’s up?”

  “Nothin’ dude. Been trying to catch up with you, but you’re always busy.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve been swamped at work and remember I told you who I’m working for, so I’m pulling more than my share around here.”

  “Yeah, I know. I tell my husband the same thing about letting the corporate world rule him.”

  “I’m sure you do, but then again, his salary allows you to chase your rock and roll dreams,” I laughed.

  Unlike me, Laze was a taken man. Lucky bastard found a guy who was a self-made millionaire, running a consulting form. The two of them fell in love quickly and married. They got furbabies and stay in a house by the ocean.

  “Yeah, thank God for that. I told you, he’s got a friend or two you might be interested in. They’re single and out.”

  “No, I’m good. I don’t have time for relationships right now.”

  Laze clicked his teeth. “Sure, you don’t. If Steven Sharpe was one of the choices, you’d make the time.”

  “Laze.” I blinked hearing him mention Steven’s name. I hadn’t seen the man in ten years, not since that night at Hideaway Point that we connected on every level possible during a quick rendezvous in the men’s washroom.

  Laze was the only one who knew that I’d lost my virginity to Steven Sharpe.

  “Yeah? It’s true, right?”

  “Maybe.” I played it off and ignored the excitement running through my veins. Even after all this time, the bastard still did things to me and my body that no other man could do.

  Remembering those arms binding me to his six-foot five frame, I shivered and bit my lip. My cock hardened under my slacks and I sighed aloud.

  “Noah, c’mon. You still want him.”

  “We’re not taking about… um, Steven. You mentioned your husband’s friends.”

  “And you won’t consider dating them because you claim to be busy.”

  “I am. Laze, you’ve set me up on blind dates before and they went south quickly. I’d rather not be disappointed by your futile attempts of picking out a boyfriend.”

  “Haha. Okay, fine. You can’t avoid dating people for much longer, Noah. You’re too hot of a man to be single.”

  “Yeah, well. A lot of men have me pegged wrong, so I have a hard time finding someone who wants me long term.”

  “It’s a shame too, because you’re a good dude. Anyway, I was calling to see what you’ve got planned for the weekend. Andreas wants to have a house party and barbeque. Maybe, you might find a guy there. Are you in?”

  “Yeah, I’ll stop by.” I fiddled with the papers on my desk to keep busy. With those memories of Steven on my mind, it was hard to concentrate on anything.

  “Good. I’ll text you the final info. Call me later, okay?”

  “Alright, later.” I pushed the disconnect and leaned back in my seat. When thoughts of Steven kissing me replayed in my mind, I had to readjust myself. Freaking Laze got my brain thinking about my past with the lead singer I couldn’t get out of my head.

  Though he was no longer in music, it didn’t matter. Steven’s rhythms stayed with me years after when it should’ve been nothing but a memory. He’d always be in my heart and on my mind, with Cursed Heart as our theme song.

  Chapter Two

  Steven

  Sitting in Jules’s studio, I leaned back in the comfy chair and strummed my acoustic guitar. I had some notes floating around in my head for another song even as I waited for the final mix recording to finish.

  Thankfully, I was smart enough to utilize my talents as a producer and songwriter to earn some money. Although it didn’t make me millions, it did keep a roof over my head, the lights and gas on, and paid Eva.

  “Steven.”

  I turned around and watched Jules walking in with a big smile on his face. “How’s it going, bro?”

  “Really good. I’m about done with the one song, but now I’ve got some ideas for another, so I’m playing around with some notes.”

  Jules grinned. “You always were a natural songwriter, man. That tune you wrote for us was a gem. Our best hit yet. You sure you don’t wanna join our band? The offer still stands.”

  I shook my head. “No thanks. There’s no place for me. Plus, I like to do my own thing. I’m a hard head and a control freak. I’d like for us to stay friends.”

  “Alright. Just know the offer is there. Dooley and Miles are awesome for Serpertine Life, but you’d make it a helluva lot better. You’re still a legend around these parts.”

  “I dunno about that. You’re really good for a guy’s ego though,” I chuckled.

  “I told you earlier about your signature song. How about an acoustic set for your tour? People love that shit.” Jules fell back on the couch across from me.

  “I know. Once the website is done, I’m doing a west coast trek to play my new material and some StarHaze too. Gotta make sure I’m physically fit to do it, though. My doctor has to give me the all clear before I sign up for anything.”

  “I hear you. You think the drugs caused the bad heart?”

  Still playing my guitar, I shrugged. “It definitely contributed to it. I’ve always had some issues, going back to my childhood. My dad never…” I stopped when I thought about my Dad’s uncaring attitude. He also didn’t believe in doctors too much, so I hardly ever visited my pediatrician unless it was for school physicals. “Anyway, yeah. I’ve had a lot of things go on, but I’m taking it in stride. As long as I keep doing what the doc told me, I’ll be able to tour.”

  “I hope so. I’ll support you in any way I can. Maybe even a joint bill. You as the opener?”

  I pointed at him, smiling. “Now, that I can do. That way there won’t be as much pressure on me. I’m trying to make things easier for myself, not harder... which is why I’m doing it all DIY. I’m not trying to make a mint off this or anything. Just wanna share my music with people.”

  “Uh huh. And hopefully find that dude you told me about?” Jules winked at me.

  I sighed and put my guitar down.

  Jules was totally straight, but I could talk to him about absolutely anything. He knew a
ll about me being closeted during my stint in StarHaze, as well Noah.

  Right then, visions of us exchanging heated glances while he talked about what Cursed Heart meant to him flooded my mind. The taste of his lips had lingered on mine for ten years plus.

  “Steven?”

  “Sorry.” I shook my head to get out of the fog. “Yes. I hope if I get out in front of people again, he’ll come find me, or at least his friend will. I can’t remember the kid’s name, only the daggers he stared me down with.” I harrumphed and stroked the hair on my chin.

  “Well, you gotta admit what you did was bogus.”

  “I know. All so I could protect my reputation with the band, only to get launched a year or so later. If I hadn’t fucked up with him…” I sighed inwardly and smacked the chair’s arm. “If only I would’ve had the courage…”

  “Dude, you were younger and dumb. Mistakes happen.”

  Watching Jules, I nodded. “The biggest mistake I ever made, too. I would’ve liked to know more about him. He was cool, handsome, and man, when someone tells you they know all your songs and what they possibly meant, that’s a big deal.”

  “Was that before or after fucking?”

  I twisted my lips. “That was all before. We talked then kissed and… everything happened. I know you don’t wanna hear the details.”

  Jules held up his hands. “Nope. Just say it was the best sex you’d had. That’ll suffice.”

  “Okay, yeah, it was.”

  “Haven’t you stopped to think though that it was because he one of the few dudes you’d done up to that point?”

  “I did, but…” I bit my lip and dropped my gaze to the cracks in the tiles. “He was better than anyone I’ve ever had. No woman made me feel like that. Even since I’ve been out, I’ve tried dating other guys, but it just didn’t go anywhere. It sounds stupid, I know, but it is what it is.”

  “Hey, to each his own, bro. If that’s how you feel, I hope you see the guy again.”

  “Me too. If I’d known his last name, I’d do a search on him, but it didn’t get that far. I only know Noah.”